Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Many people freak out when a storm comes or even when they hear about a storm.  I can see how it could be scary.  They are loud, windy, threats of fire or flooding, and they are just completely unpredictable.  Storms to me can be beautiful and relaxing.  Listening to the thunder and rain beat down on the roof, and the gloominess that surrounds it...hhhmm, very peaceful.  Storms remind me of my autistic son, Killian. 

Killian was my first so I never thought anything was wrong with him. He never acted like a normal baby. He was always quiet and never got into anything. Always kept to himself, figuring out how things work.  He got his first car at 6 months and has been obsessed since. He knew which way was forward and backward.  Still to this day he has to have his cars in his hand at all times, even when he sleeps. He also lines his cars up in a perfect little line (you do not dare touch them).

When he about 14 months, this is when I knew something was not right.  He still could not say a word, understand anything you say (yeah, he gave you this look like you are crazy), and his tantrums were becoming violent.

Killian now has a 1 word vocabulary of about 20 words.  He still does not understand.  There are certain noises he is afraid of and does not like the feeling of falling. He has tantrums about 90% of the day and that consist of hitting himself in the face or head while biting his hand or hitting me.  These episodes last 10 minutes     up to 2 hours.  

It is hard to deal with his tantrums.  Especially, in public.  I have had numerous people come to me and tell me how unfit I was as a mother, my child is a spoiled brat, or all your son needs is discipline.  I hear this about everyday. I see everyone pointing and snickering towards me. I break.  I crumble almost everyday.  I think it is mostly because it is out of my hands.  I have no control at all.  I feel helpless and it hurts to see my son being tortured and all I can do is watch.

Nights like last night remind me of how beautiful he is.  He is extremely smart for his age and he is very loving.  Even though he does not tell me, he shows me his love. I am happy he is not ordinary, that would be too boring. I know he will have the same chances as other children do. 

Killian is my storm.  He is unpredictable and you have no control but he is full of beauty.  There is nothing I would change.


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